Tuesday, June 19, 2012

Be Positive, Sarah Jessica!

As I was sulking in my hot tent during the worst art show ever last weekend, I tried to think positively for once instead of crying and/or complaining. I didn't cry, but it was impossible not to complain.

Custer's Last Stand in Evanston, IL might have been an actual art show at one time, but apparently it is officially a flea market now.  I was across from a jewelry stand (big surprise) where EVERYTHING was $5, even the fancy plastic insect keychains. The jewelry drunks were actual drunks this time because it was a street fair, which means beer is fair game at 10 am.  I had another jeweler next to me whose $20 earrings were pretty steep compared to the five buck table, so I felt sorry for her.

The whole sweaty, hot show was more about beer, food and weird music than about art of any kind.  At one point, a native American group about ten feet away from me was pounding the living shit out of their drums while yodel-hollering at the top of their lungs.  I don't mean to be disrespectful, I'm all for cultural experiences.  But it was mind-numbingly loud and repetitive.  I could barely converse with any of the four serious potential customers who entered my booth all day.  Plus, the native American fellows kept demanding that the onlookers dance with them.  "DANCE!  IT'S AN EASY DANCE!  YOU CAN DO IT!!"  All white people deserve to pay for what happened to the people who lived here first.  Apparently it was my turn to take one for the team.

As the crapfest nature of the show began to dawn on us, several shell-shocked artists wandered around quizzing each other in a panic.  "Have you done this show before?  Is it always this bad? Good Lord, this is HORRENDOUS."  We were all first time dumb-dumbs.

Now's about the time that I feel power-sorry for myself and begin dramatically announcing to my husband Joe and my mom that I need a real job while probably crying.  This hasn't been working very well and they don't seem to enjoy it, so I decided to give myself a break.  I was not going to get worked up about it.  It wasn't my fault.  I'd chosen this show because another artist recommended it.  She stopped at my booth briefly to bitch about her spot and to share that she was never doing this show again, which made me really want to push her.  One of those playground girl-pushes where the other girl sits down hard and bites her tongue while I run away.

Instead, I worked hard on my drawing, tried to yell-chat over the tribal music in a non-frightening way with the occasional visitor.  Plus, I stayed very busy fending off weird old guys.

Weird old guy number one was a neighboring artist.  He was the most harmless one of the bunch, and the most freaked out.  He'd traveled pretty far to attend this popsicle stand of a show and kept drifting into my booth, smoking and worry-staring at me.  He was sort of a bug-eyed guy and maybe couldn't help looking weird, but I'd had about enough of, "Hey, how's it going?  Anytime the shoppers want to show up, it's fine with me, heh heh. How are things???"  I eventually yelled at him a little and he left me alone.

Weird old guy number two made plates out of melted pop cans with Jesus and whatnot on them.  He was very proud of his plates and kept coming in my booth to announce that if he doesn't do $4000 in a show it's not worth it.  WHO in the hell is buying $4K of Jesus plates?  I'm rather proud of some of my stuff, but I've never, ever sold that much in one show.  Jesus plate guy had a rather unusual face.  That wasn't holding him back from chatting me up and telling me I look like Sarah Jessica Parker. 


Homely or sexy?  Weird old guy #2 says... both.

Yeah, I know.  When I bartended, I got it all the time.  We both have long faces, big chins and long noses. A lovely combination. I'd rather resemble her from the neck down than the neck up, but c'est la vie.  I tried to make a joke about having her horse face and weird guy #2 agreed, "Yeah, she is kind of homely.  But there's something about her that guys find pretty sexy."  Um, ew and EW.  Stop calling me homely while hitting on me.  You and your pop can plates can shut up.  Later, he told me that he was going to have the Native Americans dedicate a song to me.  That's pretty funny, I'll give him that one.  I considered having the $5 jewelry guys protect me, but luckily, Jesus Plates packed up and left early on Sunday.  This required him to cart his crap the equivalent of three city blocks UP A HILL to his car.  The show was that bad.

The weirdest and oldest guy (somewhere in his 80's, I'd guess) at first seemed harmless with his straw hat, bowtie and fluffy foo-foo dog in his arms.  He had nothing to do other than hang around and decide whether to unload his lifetime supply of crazy on me.  I heard about his dog's breast cancer and the girl who he'd like me to draw but can't because they are from another time.  This time around, she's too young and being programmed to stay away from him.  He was the strangest combination of flirty and gay I've ever seen.  I think he may have been as confused inside as I felt listening to him.  He kept leering at me while spinning his crazy story web and listing all the astrological signs he was most compatible with.  I thought he would never, ever, ever leave.

The grand finale was waiting in my car for 45 minutes while bored volunteers weakly begged the throngs of drunk people to clear out of the art area of the street fair so we could drive our cars in.  I had taken a cue from Jesus Plates and tore down my stuff early.  I happened to be standing right near the exit pass chick when she got the okay to start handing them out, so I was FIRST in line.  Yay!  The guy at the gate saw my magic blue ticket and let me right in, where I drove one inch every few minutes through the crowd until another volunteer ran at me in mid conniption screaming at me to stop.  His walkie talkie was screeching "All the artists KNOW they CAN'T drive into the area until ALL the pedestrians have LEFT."  I got the impression that this was specifically for me to hear, but too bad, the gate guy let me in.  Conniption guy made me pull over so I could helplessly watch people ignore his pleas to walk on the sidewalk for 45 minutes. When I FINALLY got to move up, all sorts of cars were pouring in ahead of me from the side gates and I nearly lost my shit. 

My assigned spot was under some train tracks in an area that would make a perfect movie setting for a homeless drug deal and/or assault.  Because of the tracks, there was a huge bottle neck in my area that shouldn't have been a problem if I'd been FIRST like I was SUPPOSED TO BE.  Fortunately, I chose this spot for myself from an online map, so I can't be mad at anyone but me.  Apparently, I forgot what the railroad symbol looks like.

Actual online map where I picked my crappy spot.


That was really the only time I got upset. I screamed the f-word and the cop on a segway right next to me laughed a little.  It was sort of funny, really. See?  This is a brand new attitude for me. 

Since I had been away from Joe all Father's Day weekend, he took Monday off.  Instead of letting me pamper him, he suggested that we go through my display, which has been looking shoddier and shoddier, causing me to complain about it a lot.  He helped me redesign the whole thing and I'm really excited for this weekend's show in Arlington Heights.  And Joe gets to feel hopeful that he'll hear a little less complaining, at least about my crappy display.

See what happens when I try to stay positive?  Okay, sort of positive.

25 comments:

  1. Great story! - uh, I mean -awful - you know what I mean! Way to go Joe! Good luck in Arlington Heights this week...

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    1. Thank you so much! I really enjoy the Promenade of Art in Arlington Heights and I'm missing a super important graduation party AND my cousin's baby shower for it, so it better be GREAT, I hope I hope.

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  2. Laugh out loud funny! What native american song did he dedicate to you? I love your stories Wend.

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    1. I think it was called, "Wind of the Obnoxious Noise Pollution" I love YOU, Vic, my soon to be nearby best friend.

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  3. cracking me up !! if you ever want a new profession, you should take up writing..your descriptions of fellow vendors - hysterical - i think i have met a few of these guys !! sorry you had such a lousy show....live and learn..i never trust recommendations from 'friends'..haha.good luck this weekend..

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    1. Thinking about how we are a rather small world community, I made some adjustments to my post. Sometimes frustration gets the better of my common sense and compassion. Sometimes "friends" do give us great recommendations, but it helps when you really trust them.

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  4. Ditto what Jeanne said (apparently I never have an original thought, unlike you- you are hilarious!). Good luck at your next show ��

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    1. Thank you so much, Lindy! Did I already tell you how much I loved the fawn video on your site? Precious!

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  5. What an amazing ability to tell a tale. Really enjoyed reading this while feeling for you at the same time. Wonderful, beautiful, and engaging writing. Thank you for sharing.

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    1. That makes me smile from ear to ear. I seriously think writing this blog is helping me have a more positive outlook. While I was enduring all the weirdness, I was chomping at the bit to write about it.

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  6. Outside of being outstanding in your art work...you have a fantastic way of writing and describing....I think perhaps you should have a dual career because you have given me numerous giggles that I needed this morning. And, I do hear your frustration in-between it all.
    Thanks for the great laughs as I think we would make great "wall" mates at a show. BTW when I have show clods (other artists/vendors/etc) in my booth, I stand up and ease them out the front and explain to them that I am "working" getting ready for my next customer and that I know they can understand why I can't chat right now.

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    1. Show clods! I love it!!! We are really at the mercy of the emotional intelligence of our visitors, some of which is suspect.

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  7. Sorry to hear you had such a bad show, but with a name like "Custer's Last Stand" what do you expect? I guess the promoters just didn't inform you that the artists would be playing the role of Custer.
    And I think I met weird old guy #2 at a different rinky-dink show in MO. He was indeed a bit full of himself and very proud of is can plates. He did not spend the show leering at me, but I don't look like a celebrity.

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    1. Wendy, sorry to hear about your events at that show. We heard things about that show and that is why it was not considered by us. Anyway, we will be visiting the Show this week end in Arlington Heights. Cant wait to see the new display. However, I will send Cindy to check it out. I wouldn't want this old guy to give you any flashbacks when you see me. LOL
      So wishing you good luck this week end and hope you make up for last week end at this show. See you there.
      Bill and Cindy
      Images by David Kay, Ltd.

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  8. One of your best, sweetie. If you have a really sucky show, at least it's fodder for your blog!

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  9. Hey, you forgot to mention the BEST part if the show...seeing my kids!!!! :)

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    1. You are so right!!! Any day I see those beautiful girls is a stellar one.

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  10. I tell annoying fellow artists that when in my booth they may only speak about my work, in a good way of course. If I go into their booth I will speak about their work. If we are in a neutral area, then flirting, mooching for food or tools,whining , passing the crying towel are all options. so is leaving.Once after not getting an award, the judge and his wife were buying something small from me. My friend who was visiting in my booth thought this would be a great time to explain to the judge why he should have gotten an award!!!!!I had to actually pinch the beefy artist,(in that soft part of upper arm.you mothers know what i mean),to drag him out of the booth.

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    1. Good for you... boundaries are good things when you know how to establish them. On the other hand, good art neighbors are such a joy. One of my very favorites made a little emergency baggie for me with all sorts of essentials when I asked to borrow various items I'd forgotten. Plus she was hilarious! There's nothing better than kindness.

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  11. Wendy..you crack me up. Thanks for making me laugh!
    Love your blog! Aunt Beth

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  12. Darling girl... I do so very much love and laugh at all your blog posts. I haven't seen any comments that said anything different. Everyone seems to enjoy hearing your humorous and clever voice relating your quirky experiences. You give so much joy with your portraits and it's wonderful that you have found another way to express yourself and spread smiles. I am so proud of you!

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  13. Yeah, like everyone said, your blogs are a hoot and this one follows suit.

    But your mom!! Where did you find her and how can I get one for me?

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    1. She is spectacular in every way and your comment sure will make her smile!!!

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