50 Shades of Procrastination

Thanks a lot, Joe, E L James and the ladies at my boot camp.  I got NOTHING productive done this weekend thanks to you. 

As you know, I am supposed to be a) drawing,  b) taking my kids places or buying/making them endless food, c) cleaning my messy house, d) finding my keys.   Instead of any of the above, I was abducted by Fifty Shades of Joe this weekend and taken to Pittsburgh.  Joe planned a nice little family vacation to watch the Chicago Cubs play the Pirates. Not exactly this girl's dream get away.  Since there would be no cleaning or laundry to ignore, I brought two pencil portrait projects to work on. Guess who didn't do ANY drawing?  I read naughty books the whole trip instead.

If you haven't heard of the book Fifty Shades of Grey by now, you are probably one of those annoying people with good mental and physical health who go outside, eat right and don't watch too much television.  You know who you are.  You try to make me feel guilty by making your bed every morning right before you run a charity 5K while claiming that you have no time to watch the trashy TV shows that I keep asking you about.  Really?  You've NEVER seen even one Real Housewives?  Please.  If I can't talk to you about trash TV, I really don't have much to say because the TV is always on while I draw and bad reality shows make me feel better about my unmade bed and lack of charitable racing.

Every thirty seconds, Fifty Shades of Grey is mentioned in the news, on the internet, in my entertainment magazines, on SNL... it's probably even getting a shout out in church as I expect it's causing some serious sinnin'.  Why so popular?  Because it's "mommy porn."  Not to be confused with this mommy porn:

I can't wait to talk to my wife about her feelings.

I am usually way behind the curve in any trend.  I wait till blockbuster movies or popular non-reality TV shows have been out on DVD for several years and then eagerly try to talk to my uninterested friends about them when I've discovered why they were so popular in the first place.  What little fashion I attempt to rock is usually on the ragged edge of over and sometimes not age appropriate. I still don't understand Twitter or Pinterest. 

Normally, I would wait at least five years to read a best selling book until I buy it for 50 cents at a garage sale.  But when even my sweaty boot camp buddies were raving about it, I had to give in.

My Boot Camp Friend:  READ IT.  Your head will explode.
Me:  Wow, okay, maybe I will. 
MBCF: Text me as soon as your head explodes.

Not even close to what my boot camp looks like.

So in a rare moment of early adoption, I downloaded it to my Kindle.
 

I usually only read books on my Kindle when I'm running on my treadmill.  I realize that mentioning boot camp and treadmills contradicts my claims of laziness and constant bad TV-watching.  I don't WANT to exercise, but my love of wine and cheez-its leaves me no choice.  It's a losing battle. 

Due to my scorching ADD, I read a number of books at a time - one on the treadmill, one before bed, up to two in different bathrooms (where I am doing my HAIR.)  I need an exciting/interesting book for the treadmill to distract me from my misery and a boring book before bed, or I will accidentally read till 2 am and then be unable to fall asleep.

Because most of my books are from garage sales and thrift stores purchased for $1.00 or less, I had no interest in getting an electronic reading device.  I enjoy the fact that every book I've read is riddled with questionable smudges, spills, dog-eared pages and looks beat up, like everything else I own.   Plus I can lend my books to people, which I love. 

On the other hand, my "Only the Best for Joe" husband got a Kindle almost right away.  When Joe Zumpano wants something, he usually gets it, preferably right after he realizes he wants it.  Recently, Joe drove away from Max's hockey practice with his Kindle on the car roof, so now he has the fancier iPad-like Kindle.  I tried using Joe's Kindle on the treadmill when I was fresh out of garage sale books or trashy magazines to read.  I was hooked.  Pushing a button to turn the page is WAY easier than turning pages while running since I'm not that coordinated.  Now I have my own Kindle and it lives on my treadmill.  P.S. Joe will point out that I bought both his Kindles for him as gifts, but my point still stands.

Having a Kindle has allowed me to read popular books way sooner than I normally would, although I only read it when I run, so it can take me a while to finish them.  There are three books in the 50 Shades series.  The first one, 50 Shades of Grey, takes a while to get a head of steam going.  The writing isn't exactly Pulitzer material... it was published initially through an online Twilight fan-fiction site.  I'm not proud to admit that I devoured all those damn Twilight books.  Who doesn't want to be power-loved by a gorgeous though tormented guy, especially when you're a crabby Kristen Stewart type, sulking around with only a werewolf as a back up?  Apparently good ole E L James, aka Erika "Erotica" Leonard, enjoyed the crap out of Twilight too, because in Fifty Shades, she created her own Edwardian powerful/bazillionaire hot guy minus the fangs and her own innocent Bella-type girl primed to be swept off her Twilight-esque feet.

Only this Bella, who is named Anastasia like another sort of Disney princess, gets swept off her feet and into some kinky S&M bondage hijinks.  I'm no prude.  I've seen some stuff and read some stuff in my day, and this isn't the hottest thing I've encountered.  It's pretty darn steamy though, especially at first.  After awhile, I felt the need to call shenanigans on the nonstop ridiculously hot action between these two.  People really have mind-blowing, earth shattering experiences five times in a row?  Really?  Come on.

In any case, it's made me stay on the treadmill longer than usual.  According to a hilarious SNL skit, it's inspiring lots of ladies to do all kinds of other things more than usual, too.  I just want to get my mind off of how much longer it's going to take for me to sweat through my five miles.

I freed my Kindle from its treadmill shackles and brought it along to Pittsburgh.  During our three day family get away, I read the last half of 50 Shades of Grey and the ENTIRE second book, 50 Shades Darker.  I read through a whole Cubs game, I read while Joe watched a marathon of American Pickers in the hotel room, I read at rest stops, I read at restaurants.  Late at night, over wine and cribbage, I discussed the book at length with Joe and may have inadvertantly given him some unsavory ideas.  Okay, it might have been on purpose.

Now that I'm home and gratefully, I have lots of drawing to do, I am afraid to get the third book.  Discipline is not my forte.  And yet, what am I doing right now?  Procrastinating YET AGAIN and telling you about mommy porn instead of drawing.  

Laters, baby.

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